What If I Just… Can't?

In the last few weeks I've encouraged you to take advantage of this pause. I said:

• Use this time to work on your ministry

• Use this time to deepen your wells 

• Internal and external fears can be fought with perspective and humility

I think all these are really good things. But what if I just... can't...? What if I don't feel like I have the energy? Are these messages of, "do more this", and "become more that" just piling on the guilt?

This whole pandemic thing is unprecedented. I think we're finding out that there's no pattern for what to do right now. And I admit, I've found myself wondering, with every little tickle in my throat, with every sniffle, and with every tightness in my chest, "Is this the COVID?" I've woken up in the middle of the night more than once and haven't been able to go back to sleep. What if my 80-year-old Mom gets this? What about my Dad who's already fighting the cancer? And, "Would my kids be okay if this was it for me?" 

So there's a part of me that doesn't want to lay a guilt trip on me. There's a part of me that just says, "Respond how you respond, bro..." But that part of me is also self-indulgent. That part of me wants more cookie dough, more Insta, and more Netflix. And I know that more and more of that will push me into a downward spiral. I don't think I should give myself license to just… whatever. 

There's a part of me that knows if I use my time wisely, I'll overcome. If I read the books I've been meaning to read, I'll feel better. If I do those projects I've said I would do, then I'll have grown. If I work on my ministry, then I'll feel a little better about me. 

And maybe that's the problem right there. Maybe this pandemic thing is magnifying that part of me that has always tried to perform in order to be okay. It's that part of me that can deny the completeness of Christ's work and say that I must do this, that, or something in order to be justified. Maybe  this coronavirus time is exposing that part of me so that He can walk me through to the other side of it. Maybe in these stir-crazy days without my normal, and without my friends, I am becoming more me and a better reflection of Him.  

So I guess, in those moments when I just can't, I'll sit in His presence and find out what He can.